It's been 6 months and 5 days since my last post on here.
I love to write, but finding motivation is frustratingly difficult.
Well, that's not entirely true. It's more-so my seemingly crippling laziness that's stopped me in this time. I have three or four excellent post ideas (by that I mean ideas/topics that I want to write about in detail, not necessarily excellent in quality).
I get filled with ideas, get really inspired to write them and then...I don't. I just don't. I do other things. Usually 'other things' includes playing a couple hours of video games that I don't really even enjoy all that much, or waste time hopping among reddit posts. With the latter, at least I don't feel as bad because I can at least justify the lack of prodcutivity slightly due to the fact that a lot of the discourse is informative (though I rarely even participate, just read and move on to the next post), but even that is a poor excuse. But anyways, I'm rambling. The point is, it's been a while because I'm lazy.
Me
So I find it really interesting to go back and think about who I was as little as 2-3 years ago. My entire perspective, outlook, and ambitions have changed so drastically to opposite spectrums that it's weird.
In high school, I was really cynical and a downer, often to the point of rudeness. If you were a stranger, or I didn't like you, the way I treated you mattered little to me.
These days, for the most part, I try to be open and friendly to people I don't know, and I try to not respond negatively to negative people or situations that are presented to me. I don't always succeed, but I at the very least put in the effort. This was entirely a conscious effort. After some serious self-evaluation I didn't like who I was, and decided that it wasn't set in stone that I be that way and that it was time for me to fix it. Overall, the effects of this decision have proven beneficial, in my opinion. It was rather timely, as I left for college and met new people, who got to meet Andrew 2.0. I made far more friends far easier than I was used to. I guess it makes sense though, don't treat people like shit and they might just like you.
Though, after reading the last two paragraphs I wrote, it's not really what I'm trying to portray, so never mind about that. It makes me seem like this guy who has figured life out and now it's all daisies. I don't know why I chose that expression, I'm not the biggest fan of daisies.
"And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time"
-Death Cab For Cutie
I listened to that song lyric tonight, and it kinda stuck to me due to its incredible relevance. The big downfall I've found with my new, overly-positive attitude is just that. It's overly positive. I have all these plans and ideas, ranging in size, and they all seem great in my mind. But the execution often falters. There are things I cannot do, promises I cannot keep, and hopes and dreams that will purely remain as they are.
Plans are hard, in varying degrees.
Even the smallest of plans, I do not carry out. The simplest thing such as "Monday, I will start working out again" or "tomorrow I will drink more water" just simply don't happen, for reasons which I cannot possibly justify.
This continues in larger frames of time. I had many plans for this summer. I was going to stay fit, I was going to learn several different songs on the guitar, I was going to have a sweet job and make plenty of money. And here I am, about halfway through my time here and none of these have happened. The past month has passed in a blur and it's no small part due to the fact I did nothing of note during this time.
These inconsistencies worry me about the largest scale. I have plans for the future (abstract ones, but they are there), and if even my simplest plans aren't happening, who's to say the things I think I want in the future are to be any different. This kinda leads me into my last section of late-night nonsense rambling.
I have un officially changed my major 4 times in my first year alone, and none of them are even in the same field.
So the rather less than obvious statement here is that I have no idea what the fuck I want to do in life.
That is not to say I don't know what I want out of life, because I do.
When it comes down to it, I really just need one thing in life.
Happiness.
That's what drives it all, every change of direction, every decision, all leads back for that desire.
That is why figuring out my career path has been so difficult. I sit there and think about all the fields there are, and try to think of one that I could see myself living a happy life with. Every time, without fail, I come up empty. Right now I am majoring in French and Biology, with "plans" to go to medical school. Even with this current path, I struggle to see myself in the future as a doctor, and being happy. I do not understand why it is so difficult for me to be happy. Wow, that sounds childishly melodramatic. I should clarify and say I am not particularly unhappy right now. I'm just, at the same time, not happy.
Maybe it's due to the generation I live in. We are the generation of extremes, everything must be to the maximum. The internet is the source for a lot of this. I can listen to what I believe to be only the best music and ignore mediocrity, I can read/watch only the funniest comedians, and ignore the worse ones. I can watch my favorite shows whenever I want to. Hell, even texting means constant contact with people.
I often wonder if I'd be happier had I grown up in much simpler times, being less dependent on the maximum level for a quality life. Or maybe if I continued to medicate I would not be even thinking of this issue.
I do not know. I also often wish I didn't have an impulsive need to publish every troubled thought, every bad mood, every sarcastic undertone to the goddam internet, both wanting and not wanting people to read it.
I don't think I can really justify this as a post, it's more just disorganized thoughts streaming through my fingers.
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