Yet again

Third post of the day because why not.

I've got a huge shocker here: I've changed my mind on what I want to do for my future again.
(You're speechless, I know).

Today, I worked for about 9 hours, mindlessly washing dishes and doing other various kitchen-related activities. During my shift I came to a relatively simple realization:

I fucking hate my job.

As a dishwasher, I guess this isn't unreasonable. The pay is terrible, the work is stupidly easy and mindless, but physically tiring. I have to drive 25 minutes to get there (that's if there is no traffic, which there always is). I spend about 5 bucks of gas each day I go to work. So on top of my terrible pay, it's even lower.

So there, I justified why I hate my job. But then I remembered working at my two previous two jobs and came to a more accurate realization:

I just fucking hate working.

If that makes me lazy, then I guess I'm just fucking lazy then. Working is just awful. It's something that everyone has to do, I get that, but I can't seem to not be absolutely miserable when I do it. To the point that I am trying to find a way to rationalize quitting immediately (I was unfortunately unsuccessful today). The worst part of it all, it was only my third actual day of work at this place, and I'm already having these thoughts.

This got me to think about my current chosen career path (medicine) and whether or not I'd actually be happy with it. The nice thing about mindless work is I can put my mind to work going over this debate in my head while doing it. So I tried to think of what makes me happy or what I am passionate about. After all, everyone always says to do what you love and you'll never work a day, and that's kinda the idea here.

The only thing that comes to mind is music. That's really the only thing I can truly say I care about. And right now I am coming off of the best weekend of my life after attending Bonnaroo. While in Manchester I often thought about how I want to be a part of that.

Ideally, making music as a career would be fucking terrific. I feel like that's kind of a cop-out choice because everyone wants to be a rockstar. But that's not really the thing I want. I don't want to do it to have fame and a party life. I want to be able to make good music, that other people can connect with. I want to have that moment where you are doing a surprise acoustic set on a side stage where all your best fans are singing along with you, pointing their fingers in the air. It's moments like that where you know you've made something magical.

Unfortunately, I am not nearly creative, original, or talented musically enough for that to be a plausible reality (though it is a rather pleasant dream). What I can do, though, is be a part of that.
I am going to spend the next few weeks looking through sound engineering degrees and things similar to that field. Because if I can't be in the creative process of making terrific music, I can sure as hell surround myself with it.

And I'm rambling again so I'll close this out.
I'm pretty sure more people would read this if I wrote any other time other than 2-4 AM.
Then again I'm not really sure I'd want that.